I swear to you, sometimes this stuff writes itself.
Julianna (the seven year old): Daddy when I turn 16, can I get a job as a scientist?
Me: A scientist?
J: Yeah, like you got a job at a golf course when you were 16.
Me: Yes, I did. But “ball boy” and “scientist” are two very different things.
J: Well, but, they’re both very dangerous.
Me: They are?
J: Yes. You could get hit by a golf ball. In the head!… And, I might explode because of the magic explodie potion.
“Magic explodie potion.” Direct quote.
(Five-year-old) Isabella: Daddy, when it’s your next birthday, you’ll keep growing.
Me: No, Honey. I’m as tall as I’ll ever be.
Iz: Why did you stop growing?
Me: Well, when people turn 17 or 18 or 19, they just stop.
Iz: Oh, so Mommy must have stopped growing when she was 19. And, you must have stopped when you were 17.
Me: I suppose.
Iz (shooting me a look, and laughing): Or, maybe even earlier.
Daddy/Daughter Fun Time (with special guest Mommy!) had lunch at a Japanese restaurant the other day.
For a culture whose staple food item is rice, could someone please tell me how no one ever came up with anything better than chopsticks? I mean, are there Japanese farmers using Pitch Sticks instead of Pitch Forks?
Remember those Army commercials from the ’80s where the guy says: We do more before 9:00 a.m. than most people do all day…?
Dear Army Dude,
Have you had to wake up your children before dawn, deal with their tantrums over what to eat for breakfast, then find something to feed them for breakfast, while finding something for yourself to eat. Deal with their tantrums over what to wear, then find something for them to wear, while dressing yourself. Deal with their tantrums over brushing their hair, while you are brushing their hair, and brushing your own hair. Get them to brush their teeth, while you brush your own teeth. Fight the god-awful traffic to get them to school, and then actually get them to school ON TIME?
All by 8:30.
Sorry, Army Man. I got you beat. I’m fighting a war on the home front. In country. USA.
(P.S. Please support our troops. While war is not as difficult or deadly as parenthood, our armed forces are absolutely invaluable to the security of our nation. We are indebted to their sacrifice. Hug a soldier if you see one. But, not inappropriately. Trust me on that one.)
If you’ve spent any time rummaging around the archives here at Daddy/Daughter Fun Time, you’ll quickly see that a number of themes run through the dialogues: Daddy is fat. Daddy is short. Daddy yells a lot.
But sometimes, the girls say or do something that I totally didn’t expect. Then, things return to normal.
On the drive to school this morning…
Julianna: Dada, don’t you think it’s funny that my friend Tori has TWO dads?
J: Yes, her real father and her step-father.
Isabella: Wow. TWO dads! That would be so much fun!
Me: Do you girls wish you had two dads?
J: No, I just need one. He’s the best one in the world.
Me (genuinely surprised): Awww… That’s so sweet. You’re going to make me cry.
Then, Isabella, true to form:
Iz: Yeah, and because two daddies would yell WAY too much.
As I began writing this very post…
(Five-year-old) Isabella: Dadddeeee… I’m bored. I want to play with someone.
Me: Honey, please! I’m trying to get something done!
Iz: But, Daddy. I need to play with someone.
Me: Ok, Sweety. I understand. But, I have to finish this first!
Iz: But, Daddy, I need to play with somebody. Now!!
Me: Honey! Look! You’ll just have to learn how to play with yourself… Daddy Plays with Himself all the time.
Me: Ok, That REALLY did NOT come out like I thought it would. You’re twisting my words, little girl. What are you trying to prove? Crap! … Ok. Let’s go play “Chutes and Ladders.”
Isabella wins. Again.
Five-year-old Isabella walking by the TV as Mommy is channel surfing.
Iz: Ooo, look. That lady is in the snow. Can we watch that?
Mommy: No. [flip.]
Iz: But I want to see the lady in the snow. Waaaaaah!!!
Mommy: That’s a grown-up movie. It’s not for kids.
Iz: Waaaaaah!! I wanna see the lady in the snow!! I wanna see!!!
Mommy: Sorry, no.
The movie was “Fargo.” The scene was “Woman running through the snow, before being murdered, cut up into pieces and fed into a wood chipper.”
Mommy: Oh, look… “Antiques Roadshow.”
I don’t know what the view is like where you live, but the girls wanted to wish you a Happy Easter (and Passover, for that matter) from the top of Runyon Canyon Park, from all of us at Daddy/Daughter Fun Time.
Isabella and Julianna. Runyon Canyon Park, Los Angeles. April 8, 2012.
Julianna and Isabella demanded that they get Mommy a card for Easter. I obliged. Of course, they picked out the most wonderfully tacky card in the whole place (“Wow, I got my first ‘Dearest Mother’ card,” said Lynn.)
But the girls were crushed that they couldn’t find a card “for” the Easter Bunny himself. They ended up having to do it the old-fashioned way. They (gasp!) made their own.
Dear Hallmark, dude, you’ve got to jump on this right away. I assure you that there is a huge market out there, of kids tormenting their parents into getting cards for the Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and (wait for it…) Santa! (Forget leaving him cookies, there’s money to be made here.)
Daddy/Daughter Fun Time goes to a restaurant for lunch.
Waitress: What can I get ya?
Isabella: Um… A corn dog.
Isabella: French Fries!
Waitress: And you, sweety?
Julianna: Chicken Nuggets.
Julianna: French Fries!
Waitress: And you sir, what will you be having?
Me: I’ll have the French Dip. With (cringing) French Fries.
Waitress: Ok, French Fries it is. (Adding a little judgmentally, while glancing at my mid-section,) I see where they get it.