Speaking Words of Wisdom

Picking up the girls from school:

Julianna (9): Can you put music on?

Me: Ok…

“Needle and the Damage Done.” Neil Young.

J: Ew!! This is old people’s music. Why do people listen to this?

Me: Because I am old. And I control the radio.

I flip.

“Where the streets have no name.”

J: No. Too old.

Me: U2. Really too old?

I flip.

“With the lights out, it’s less dangerous…”

J: No!!!! Too old.

Me: Ok. Nirvana has never been labelled as “too old.” Are you kidding me? Do you want Justin Bieber or Ke$ha?

J: Ew, no, Something better. The Beatles!

“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me…”

Now we’re talking. Old people’s music. Still the best.

Under My Roof

On the way to school the other day…

Julianna (she’s 9): Dadda, when I get older I’ll buy a house.

Me: Hope so.

J: But I want to buy the house that we live in now.

Me: You lost me. You want to buy OUR house?

J: Yeah. But I’ll let you live there.

Me: You mean, you’ll let me live in our house. The house that I bought? The one I paid for? You’ll let me live there?

J: Yes. Because you’ll be old. Like 60. And if something falls on the floor, you can’t pick it up. Because you’re old. And in a wheelchair.

Me: Wait. What?

(It’s way too hard to make this stuff up.)

Wake Up

7:00 (Monday): Get Up. Get ready for school.
7:00 (Tuesday): Get Up. Get ready for school.
7:00 (Wednesday): Get Up. Get ready for school.
7:00 (Thursday): Get Up. Get ready for school.
7:00 (Friday): Get Up. Get ready for school.

6:00 (Saturday): Yay! Let’s run around and make as much noise as possible! Because it’s Saturday!!! Yay!!! It’s 6 o’clock! In the morning!!!

Tickle Attack

Me: I love you.

Julianna (she’s 9): I know.

Me: So, no matter how many times you tell me that I’m fat or short or dumb or stupid or an idiot, the Truth is…

Julianna: It’s all true?

Me: I was going to say “I will always love you.” But, now… The tickle monster will attack..

Begin Tickle Attack.

J: A-haaaaa Haaaaa. Haaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaaa. Oooooh. Haaaaa haaaaa.

Saturday morning.

Breaking the Rules

Picking up the girls from school today, Julianna (she’s 9) requests the radio. Classic Rock.

“Smoking in Boys’ the room!… Smoking in the Boys’ room!”

Julianna: Daddy, no one should smoke at school. It’s against the rules.

Me: Yes, Honey. Smoking is very bad. Please never do that.

J: Yes, and you should ALWAYS obey the rules so no one gets hurt.

[Um. Moral dilemma here. Because, as life will tell you, sometimes the rules suck and need to be broken. Status quo is a recipe for mediocrity and stagnation.]

Me: Well, yes, Sweetie. Usually.

J: What do you mean?

Me: Uh, well, you should obey the rules, but sometimes, sometimes you need to break the rules.

J: I don’t understand.

Me: How old are you?

J: Nine.

Me: Oh, this is easy. Obey the rules. Always. And… Don’t smoke.

Bikini Bridge Is Falling Down

So, for about five minutes this week, I was concerned about the latest trend in young-woman-body-image issues because I have a couple of girls heading there soon. There’s, apparently, something called a Bikini Bridge. Because, too thin is never Too Thin.

A Bikini Bridge is when a woman (a girl, really) has an abdomen so thin, that her hips extend farther than her stomach when she lies down. This causes the elastic waistband of her bikini bottom to get some “air” under it, making a cross-pelvic bridge. It’s hard to explain. But here’s a picture.

I searched high and low to find a good image.  If this one isn't good enough, I can research more.

I searched high and how to find a good image. If this one isn’t good enough, I can research more.

But, here’s the best part:

A Bikini Bridge is actually NOT the latest trend in body obsession. Turns out, the whole thing was a HOAX created by some idiots on 4chan (yeah, I didn’t know what it was, either) who wanted to try to create a stir, the next “thing.”. (Apparently, 4chan it is legit because it is a .org, not a .com. So there ya go.)

The Internet gobbled up this bridge thing the other day and began spewing out how girls have given up on Thigh Gaps and are now obsessed with this ridiculousness.

But, the Bikini Bridge is fake.

Buzzfeed has a great accounting of the ploy. Buzzfeed’s Bikini Bridge

Don’t worry, your daughters are actually, really not worried about this. It’s not a thing.

Information Fact-checking. This is why you keep me around.

What’s a Book?

I’m toying with the idea of turning this whole Daddy/Daughter Fun Time blog into an actual book. (First of all, does anyone know what a “book” is? Actual real paper is involved.)

Who here thinks this a good idea? Your opinion counts. Statistically speaking.

Because, it’s a hell of a lot of work, and if no one cares… Nah.

Bigfoot

So, Julianna (she’s 9) and I are watching some Finding Bigfoot show on TV (hint: They never actually find one. Surprise.)

J: Well, Daddy, maybe it’s just a guy in a mask.

Me: Maybe.

J: And, he pretends to be a Bigfoot.

Me: Uh-huh.

J: And, he has big shoes like a clown to make the footprints.

Me: So, he’s a clown?

J: No. I’m saying “Like” a clown.

Me: Does he have a big red nose? “Like” a clown.

J: Daddy, stop that.

Me: Does he come out of a small car with his other Bigfoot friends?

J: No, Daddy. You’re confusing me.

Me: Does he have make-up smile, or a make-up frown.

J: Daddy, I’m being real here. About Bigfoot.

Me: Really? You’re being real. About Bigfoot.

J: You know what a Yeti likes to eat?

Me: What, Sweetie?

J: Spa-Yeti.

Me: Ha ha. Can we watch football now?

J: No, they might find one.

Me: In the four years that this show has been on the air, they haven’t found one. And, we have to sit through 7 minutes of commercials to discover that, no, they didn’t find one.

J: Maybe this time they will.

Me: I give up. You win with your wide-eyed optimism. Football can wait. Let me know how this ends. I’m getting a beer.

J (from the other room…): No, they didn’t find one.

Me: Surprise.