Aside from a few goofy pictures of me, there’s a story somewhere in here…
Last year, I missed the Emmy Awards Big Show having had major surgery on my shoulder two days earlier. And, really, who needs another drugged up Hollywood type on the Red Carpet? So, instead, our good friend Gretchen* (http://secondblooming.typepad.com/) went in my place. This year, Gretchen is out of town, but our friend Eileen is On Deck should anything untoward happen to me. (There’s a long list of people wishing me ill-well, and that’s just for the Emmys.) I am sorry to disappoint her. I’m good to go.
As you may know by now, my beautiful, smart, and talented wife Lynn does Consulting work for the Television Academy. In recognition of her many hours of toiling away they comp her a couple of tickets to the show.
The Academy moved the Awards show to Monday at Rush Hour (this is important later on. Make a mental note), which also happened to be the first day of school. We need to be at the Nokia Theater by mid-afternoon, much too early for us to get the girls and then get downtown. So, Lynn has made arrangements for our neighbor friends to pick up the girls and deliver them to our house.
Our baby sitter is Kay. She is a spry 80-year-old English woman, who is also a Ninja. (I am not kidding:* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dknW8DGMHA). Lynn lets Kay know that she will put the key under the front door mat in an envelope. (This is also important for later.)
Meanwhile I make a Facebook joke about someone trying to kidnap our children while protected by a Ninja. Then I go off and practice my selfie technique:
I feel Kardashtastic. Text your favorite to American Idol. Normal text and data charges apply.
We are ready to go.
My new favorite picture. Prettiest Date Ever. (I think I’ve got that whole selfie thing down to a science.)
We leave at around 3:00 for the 5:00 start (East Coast 8:00). We take the 170 to 134 to the 5 to the 110. 15 miles in about an hour and fifteen minutes. Sounds about right.
Because we are considered “Crew,” they direct us to special parking and avoid all the gridlock on the streets around the Nokia. And, we have sweet parking, literally underneath the Theater. One short ride up the escalator, and we are in the lobby. The bad news is: We don’t have a chance to walk the red carpet. (So, no, if you think you saw me on ABC’s pre-show gala, that was probably just Jon Hamm. I get that all the time.)
A quick touch-up of the makeup (Lynn, too), and we make our way to our seats. Stage right, row MM. Not too bad, considering the tickets cost $600 each. (As I said, they were comped.)
Oh look, they are flashing the lights and calling everyone to take their seats.
Did I mention, Prettiest Date Ever?
It’s at about this time when things get interesting…
Things Get Interesting
I get a weird text message:
“There was no key in the envelope.”
I show it to Lynn, who replies: “Ha! Take what you want, but leave the kids.”
Then, Lynn’s phone rings: “Seriously, there’s no key. The envelope is empty.”
Lynn scurries out of the row and heads to the back of the theater, swimming against the stream of Julia Robertses.
The key is not in the envelope. The envelope is under the mat, but not where Lynn left it. And, if I didn’t mention this, there is no key. Also, it is not on our keychains. The key is gone.
So, with about 5 minutes to go before Seth Meyers comes out to do his schtick, we have only one choice to make:
You see that smiling picture of Lynn up above. Decidedly not that now.
Now, if you will remember, I mentioned that the Academy has moved the ceremony to 5:00pm on a Monday. And, it is taking place downtown. Off of the 110, the 5, the 134, and the 170. On a good day, that could cost you 2 hours. I get us home in less time than it took to get the the damn theater in the first place.
Because, Ain’t no dingo gonna eat my baby, Bitch! (a Meryl Streep reference by way of Seinfeld and channeled through Breaking Bad? Yes? Anyone?)
We get home. No one is there. But, that’s good, because babysitter Kay has whisked the girls off to Denny’s for crappy pizza and nachos. And, some souvenir cups.
We pull back the mat. The envelope is in a different location. There is no key. We look around on the porch, the grass, the flower pots. No key.
I take my key, and put it in the dead bolt. It is unlocked. I open the door, rush in, and look around for anything missing. Nothing is disturbed. The TV, the computers, and the (well, those are the only things of value).
Merlin the Magician must have scared away the would-be breaker-inners! (At least, that’s our best working theory right now.)
We alert our next door neighbors, and try to sort things out as Kay returns with the girls.
Things calm down. Lynn wants to go back to the show. And to the Governors Ball after-party. (Another $600 a pop. Comped.)
I make the bold decree: I must stay home and protect my family!
Every light is on. The TV is blasting. And, the Ninja is on the job.
I am convinced to return to the ceremony.
We make our way back to the Nokia, sweet talk the ushers to let us back inside, and get to our seats for the last 20 minutes. Bryan Cranston, Modern Family, and Breaking Bad.
I need a drink.
Oh, how convenient, they are handing out champagne on the walk into the Governors Ball. I’ll take two thank you.
And, now it is time to name drop.
I almost step on Sarah Silverman’s dress. Twice.
I did not take this picture since I was protecting my children from the dingoes.
On the way in, Lynn dances with Jon Voight.
He’s Micky Donovan. From “Ray Donovan.” Tough Guy. Brad Pitt’s father-in-law.
And, cast members from Orange is the New Black:
Really, it’s a Comedy. Like Prison Break, or Oz, or The Wire.
And look! A selfie with Stephen Colbert! He grabs my iPhone, poses and click.
If only he would have let me take the shot. Because, as you know, I am a self-taught self-taking expert. (Plus, I know how to use a flash.)
We eat our dinners, have some champagne, and don’t bother the stars (who, by the way, vanish after about 25 minutes because their own networks have special extravaganzas.) Lynn can’t find Louis CK, McConaughey, Hamm, Louis-Dreyfus, Pohler. They’re all gone.
So, at around midnight, we manage to find the car and get home. There’s a chair under the front doorknob. Kay has a baseball bat. Merlin is dead asleep. Everyone is safe.
At the crack of dawn (and by that, I mean two days later), I buy a new door knob and dead bolt. I install them.
Then, Lynn gets a call from Kay to say that…
Kay: Lynn, was your key silver, with a little ring?
Kay: Oh, dear.
Ooops, the key was in the bottom of her bag all the time. Looks like the key slipped out of the envelope as Kay picked it up. And, the dead bolt wasn’t thrown because we were in such a rush to get in the car that I forgot it.
[*Editor’s Note: I have never been able to get WordPress (as hosted by GoDaddy) to allow me to insert links to other pages. It never works. (And, no, it’s not just click the Link button and type in the address. That simply doesn’t work. So, copy and paste these URLs into your browser and enjoy.]