A friend of mine recently posted a nonsense Facebook poll of the yes/no variety. And, you can bet that Facebook is parsing the answers to target you with their advertisements. Here’s me:
Reason: Perspective. My lower back is too fat for my favorite butterfly, the monarch. Also, I’m not 20. And, I’m not stupid.
Piercings: My current Headache. I have kids. So, piercing. From the top of my head, through my skull. Like a dagger. Screw Tylenol. Bullshit.
Children: 2, that I know of.
Surgeries: 2, that I know of.
Hobos: 1 buried in the garden.
Skipped school: Actually, I never did.
Watched someone give birth: Twice, that I know of.
Buried a Hobo in the Garden: See above. Once.
Are you sure: Yes.
Yes, you are sure. Or, yes you’ve been profiled: Let me check my notes.
Been to Canada: Where do you think I got my accent. Think aboot it. Eh?
Been to Williamsburg, VA: Birthplace of America, yes.
Been to Washington D.C.: Cemetery of America, yes.
Been to Mexico: What the hell is with this damn wall?
Grabbed a woman by the Trump: Consensually? Two times, that I know of.
Stop and Frisk: Only the ladies. You know what I’m sayin’. Yeah, Boy!
You know Facebook reads this: Only my friends.
And the NSA: Am I being punk’d? Then, no. But, my hands are yuge.
Ridden in an Ambulance: Does car jacking count? Then, yes.
Been reprimanded by HR: See above… Not the previous above, but higher.
Escorted Out by Security: Does Sheriff’s Deputy count?
Gone zip lining: No
Visited Europe: No.
Eaten goat cheese: It tastes like you are eating the farm. So, no.
Have a chihuahua: No.
Have two chihuahuas: Yes
Met Elvis: Last week at the 7-Eleven. No.
Does Earth revolve around the sun: Well, I’m not a scientist.
Been to Hawaii: I have eaten pineapple. Does that count?
A Nigerian Prince needs help: Credit Card Number. PIN. And that stupid 3-digit “security” code.
El Niño: Good luck with that, Mr. Drought. ¿How “hot” is La Niña? I’d hit that.
Kardashians: Spell check actually just corrected me. Vomit likely. Really? Spellcheck?
What the hell: Your guess (I admit) is better than mine.