Final Report

I know you’re all getting tired of my “Oh, My Bad Heart” posts.

But, humor me. You’ll chuckle:

The girls solemnly gather around me as I take hold of the official, and ominously titled Final Surgical Report from the Cedars-Sinai Hospital of Los Angeles. Final? Yikes.

I read aloud while Isabella (she’s five) and Julianna (eight) hold my hands.

Me (reading): “Patient suffers from Coronary Artery Disease blah, blah, blah specifically of the Left Anterior Descending Artery; Excessive arterial plaque build-up ( >90%); Hypertension; Blah blah Lumbar Disease (Lower Back Discs L4-L5, L5-S1); Near-Sightedness (Legally Blind) blah. Renal Disease (Kidney Stones); and is Overweight.”

Me: Nooooooo! Not Overweight!!!

Isabella: I don’t know what that means.

Julianna: It means Daddy is FAT!

Iz: Hahahahaha! Even the doctor says you’re FAT!

Me: Thanks for that.

J: Does it say you’re short, too?

Me (exasperated): No, Honey, it doesn’t mention that…. Oh wait… Hold on… Paragraph 6… “Patient Height: Limited…. ” I expected feet and inches. But, whatever.

Iz: Haha! Does it say you’re old?

(Suddenly, we’re playing a game.)

Me: No, Sweetie. .. Oh. Um, yes. “Older than Siblings: Dirt, the Hills.”

J: Are you ugly?

Me: Go for the throat, why don’t you? It doesn’t say anything…. Wait… Oh: “Appearance: Lacking.”

Iz: And, Stupid?

Me: Why do you go there?… Yes, “Diminished Intelligence.”

J: And your teeth?

Me: “Other than White..”

It goes on like this for what seems like and hour, ending with:

J: Number of toes:

Me: “More than normal.”

Iz: Nose hair:

Me: “More than normal.”

I let the ribbing go on for longer than usual. I’m actually loving it…

Iz: Does it say you’re fat because you’re stupid?

Me: I don’t know. Yeah, probably.

J: Definitely!

I let it go on because they are engaging with me. And a few weeks ago, things might have gone, you know… very differently.

Hug your kids.

If you have no idea what I am talking about, please see my earlier posts:

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