I’m typing this with one hand, so please bear with me. The Doc said I needed surgery. I have no idea what he did.

But, here’s what I have learned since I had shoulder surgery: Oww.

It hurt before, too. Little has changed. So. there’s that.

Here’s my list of post-op do’s and don’t’s (I never know how the apostrophes work on that…)

They don’t tell you this at the doctor’s office…

— Sandals, flip-flops, slip-ons. You will not be tying shoe laces for weeks. Socks: Bullshit.

— Pull-up shorts. It’s hard enough pulling up your pants, you don’t need buttons and zippers.

— Bras: I don’t know how these work because I’m a guy. But you won’t be hooking anything in the back. My recommendation: Don’t wear one; I’m Ok with that. Or a sports bra, whatever that is.

— Button-up shirts: Eventually, you’ll need to make a public appearance. Buttons are your friend. Bad arm first, then good arm. It’s gonna hurt, but you’ll look fabulous.

— Toilet paper. Make sure you can access the roll from your good hand. Technique: You’re on you own. Figure it out.

— Deodorant. You may not be able to get your roll-on on for a few days. Quick tip: With your good hand, slip some Purell or other hand sanitizer up in there. It won’t help with sweat, but it will help the stank.

— Driving: Assuming you are off the Vicodin, everything takes longer than you think. Parallel parking with one hand sucks. Sucks. But, get used to it. This is your life.

— Shopping: Don’t be afraid of asking for the “old lady” scooter cart. Directing a shopping cart with one hand is a bitch.

— Eating: Have a parent cut your meat for you. Yes, I’m 5. Hopeless.

— Rehab: Yeah, yeah. Everyone has told you to do the rehab thing. Do it anyway. My therapist is lovely: “Ok, we’re going to extend your elbow.” It is gentle and not unpleasant. A woman rubbing on me? Totally necessary. But, she means business.

How did I do with only one hand?