Before you judge, you have no idea what the last few weeks have been like for me.

I’m about to open up the dental floss 6-pack that I bought at Costco, when I notice the labeling:

“Over 500 uses.”

500 Uses. The Swiss Army Knife of dental hygiene.

I begin muttering to myself. 500 uses? What the hell? How much can you possibly do with floss? Can I start a lawn mower? Can I go fishing? Can I fly a kite?

Lynn (my wonderful wife) is busy doing her own thing and not listening. She offers, “You can cut things with floss. What are you talking about?”

It is at this point that…

Me: Yeah, but can you do 500 things with it?

I then follow the asterisk, “Based on an average of 18 inches per use.”

Um… Oh.

Not MacGyver floss at all. They mean 500 sets of teeth. 3 months. With the popcorn and the lobster and the beef-jerky.

Like, you’ve never done something as stupid. Admit it. Please…..?