I learned on Thursday that People Magazine had bypassed me once again for the title of the world’s Sexiest Man Alive. I admit that I was a little surprised. Instead, they gave the crown to Chris Hemsworth, of whom I have never heard (which I suppose is only fair since I doubt he’s heard of me. Touché.)

Still, going into the final round of voting, I thought I had a shot. Because a) I have a pulse, and b) I’m a dude. So right out of the starting block, I had already leapfrogged 50% of potential opponents.

From what my sources inside the People editorial room tell me, this is where my candidacy seemed to stall. Primarily because of 3 reasons: 1) Not famous. 2) Not rich. And, 3) you know, Not Sexy.

But, I’ll be back again next year. People, you know where to find me (because I keep leaving messages at the reception desk.)