Piercings: My current Headache. I have kids. So, piercing.  From the top of my head, through my skull. Like a dagger. Screw Tylenol. Bullshit.

Marriage: 1

Children: 2, that I know of.

Surgeries: 2, that I know of.

Hobos: 1 buried in the garden.

Skipped school: Actually, I never did.

Watched someone give birth: Twice, that I know of.

Buried a Hobo in the Garden: See above. Once.

Are you sure: Yes.

Yes, you are sure. Or, yes you’ve been profiled: Let me check my notes.

Been to Canada: Where do you think I got my accent. Think aboot it. Eh?

Been to Williamsburg, VA: Birthplace of America, yes.

Been to Washington D.C.: Cemetery of America, yes.

Been to Mexico: What the hell is with this damn wall?

Grabbed a woman by the Trump: Consensually? Two times, that I know of.

Stop and Frisk: Only the ladies. You know what I’m sayin’. Yeah, Boy!

You know Facebook reads this: Only my friends.

And the NSA: Am I being punk’d? Then, no.  But, my hands are yuge.

Ridden in an Ambulance: Does car jacking count? Then, yes.

Been reprimanded by HR: See above… Not the previous above, but higher.

Escorted Out by Security: Does Sheriff’s Deputy count?

Gone zip lining: No

Visited Europe: No.

Eaten goat cheese: It tastes like you are eating the farm. So, no.

Have a chihuahua: No.

Have two chihuahuas: Yes

Met Elvis: Last week at the 7-Eleven. No.

Does Earth revolve around the sun: Well, I’m not a scientist.

Been to Hawaii: I have eaten pineapple. Does that count?

A Nigerian Prince needs help: Credit Card Number. PIN. And that stupid 3-digit “security” code.

El Niño: Good luck with that, Mr. Drought.  ¿How “hot” is La Niña?  I’d hit that.

Kardashians: Spell check actually just corrected me. Vomit likely. Really? Spellcheck?

What the hell: Your guess (I admit) is better than mine.