Put on Your Shoes

You know how sometimes you suffer through a two-hour tantrum with a seven-year-old. And, you go through every stage of the self-help Parenting Catalog of techniques:

Caring Dad: Honey what is really bothering you? “AHHHHHHH!”
Stern Dad: Put on your shoes. Now! “AHHHHHHH!”
Ignoring Dad: “You’re ignoring me. Why doesn’t anyone LIKE me!!!!!?”
Earlier Generation Dad: I’ll give you something to cry about. Where’s my belt?
New Age Dad: Find your Chi, Sweetie. Find your Chi.
Sports Dad: Oh, look. A beer and a game. And headphones. (muffled “AHHHHHHH!”)
Married Dad: Your turn.
Guilting Dad: When I was a kid, we were so poor that we couldn’t afford shoes. And, I bought you this house.
Deafened Dad: Stop Screaming! “I am not SCREEEEAMMMIIINGGG!”
Time-out Dad: From the corner “AHHHHHHH!” for an hour. Bullshit.
In-control Dad: I am in the middle of a sentence. Do NOT interrupt me.
Most Wanted Dad: Really, Officer? The neighbors are complaining? You see, I have a seven-year-old. She won’t put on her shoes.
Diplomatic Dad: If you put on your shoes, then maybe we can talk about going to the park.
Authority Dad: You just lost the park. “AHHHHHHH!”
Equitable Dad: Look, I made breakfast. I brushed your hair. I did your laundry. I’m willing to go to the park. Just put your shoes on. “AHHHHHHH!”
Reasonable Dad: If you put on your shoes, I will tie them for you.
Birds and Bees Dad: You exist because of me. Put on your shoes.
Blaming Dad: We’re not going to the park. And, it is all your fault.
Too Literal Dad: Put your shoes on. “I already have one of them on! You said ‘shoes.’ That means more than one. I already have one on. I don’t have three feet. How many more shoes do I have to put on?”
Absentee Dad: … “AHHHHHHH!”
Step-Dad: “You’re not my father!”
Child-Whipped Dad: Put your shoes on and there will be ice cream and unicorns and rainbows. I can make all of that happen.
Mafia Dad: There are only two ways that this can go… And one does not end well for you.
Hygiene Dad: You realize that you can’t go outside without shoes. Because of all the germs.
Higher Authority Dad: Would your teacher let you come to school like that?
Highest Authority Dad: Because Mommy said so. “AHHHHHHH!”

None of them works. It turns out you’re a shitty, shitty father.

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