Because nobody asks (until they see me walking into the room in a sling), here’s my 4-week update after shoulder surgery (SLAP Tear, Bankart Lesion, and other terms that Google might find…)

Since my last update two weeks ago, here’s where I am (some of which are actually true):

– Can wash my hair with two hands.
– Can put toothpaste on my toothbrush.
– I tied my shoes!
– Joined Cirque du Soleil’s trapeze act.
– Was a finalist (finalist!) in the US Mens Beach Volleyball Team competition.
– Cut my own steak.
– Typed on the computer using two hands.
– Went hang gliding.
– Flipped my car’s sun visor down at dusk. (With a right hand assist.)
– Applied deodorant to my right pit using my left hand. (Everyone’s a winner. Hallelujah!)
– Did a walking hand-stand for 50 yards in record time. (Check Guinness.)
– Was criticized as a ref for calling a “3-point touchdown.”
– Loaded the dishwasher.
– Made up the bed.
– Became an Olympic synchronized diver (though, that was mostly for the free manscaped bikini wax.)
– Yelled at the girls to please stop fighting!
– Carried 2 gallons of water in my right hand and a bag of potato chips in my left from the car to the kitchen.
– Changed the channel from Judge Judy to The Price Is Right.
– Watched a lot of TV. Spoiler Alert: St. Elsewhere was the figment of some kid’s imagination.
– Did a Zip-Line across the Grand Canyon.
– Cut a deal and opened up Government.
– Put on a T-shirt. (No buttons!)
– Played water polo.
– Got a pan off of the middle shelf. (They actually ask you if you can do that in physical therapy.)
– Slept more than 45 minutes wearing this goddamn sling. (Sorry…)
– Went to Vegas and played slots (required only my right arm.)
– Zipped up my pants. (The world thanked me.)
and…
– Scratched my right shoulder.

Progress.