(7-year-old) Julianna: Daddy, do we have a Juicer? You know a machine what makes juice when you put food in it.
Me: Have you been watching TV again?
J: No. Just commercials.
Me: Touché… No, we don’t have a Juicer.
J: Well, maybe we could get one. And you know what the secret ingredient is?
Me: No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.
J: It’s… (pause for dramatic effect…) Radishes!
A commercial that gets my daughter excited about radishes? Who says TV is a wasteland?
7-year-old Julianna’s stream of consciousness while going to bed:
Um, Daddy, Everybody has a birthday. Even dead people. What was Jesus’s Birthday? Oh, yeah Christmas. I saw a picture of Jesus flying once. Did he have an airplane? Oh that’s right, they didn’t have airplanes. Birds can fly. Daddy, did you know that birds have feathers instead of hair. My hair is yellow and yours is black with some white. You know what is white? Clouds. Birds can fly through clouds. Could Jesus?……..
First-grader Julianna on learning about the functions of letters…
J: Daddy, the Vowels are A,E,I,O, and U
Me: Yes, and sometimes Y. Don’t forget Y.
J: Right, sometimes it’s a Vowel, and sometimes it’s incontinent.
After reading “The Cat in the Hat” to four-year-old Isabella:
Iz: Daddy, can I read the Cheerios book to you?
Me: Of course.
Iz: You don’t have to help me… Just scratch my legs, rub my feet, and pull my toes… And use lotion.
Me: Have you been listening to Mommy again?
Iz: Yeah. A little bit.
Mommy (from the next room): And make sure he mashes your heels!
After picking up Julianna from school the other day:
J: Daddy, can I get a Happy Meal?
Me: No, honey. Not today.
J (upset and crying): If I can’t have a Happy Meal, then I’ll never be Happy again!
Dear Mr. McDonald, Now you know why I hate clowns.
Isabella’s “Oblique Diss of Daddy” of the week:
Iz: Daddy, I love Mommy.
Me: That’s really sweet, honey.
Iz: And, I wish I had the BEST Daddy in the World!
Me: You wish? I’ll see what I can do. Who’d you have in mind? I’ll make some calls.
Julianna looking forward to losing her baby teeth:
J: If I don’t brush my grown-up teeth, they’ll fall out, right?
Me: Yep. Gotta take care of ’em.
J: If they fall out, I won’t be able to chew.
Me: Yes.
J: So, I’d only be able to eat soft foods. Like ice cream and popsicles and lollipops and pudding and jello, right?
Me: Um, I guess so.
J: Now, tell me again–why is it important to brush my teeth?
I wasn’t ready for this discussion. On the way to school, (first-grader) Julianna loves to read the signs she sees out her window. Along the railroad tracks in Glendale…
Julianna: Liiiive Nuuuuude Girls. Daddy, that’s silly! What does that even mean?
Me: Er… Um. Well… I guess it means we’re going to be finding a new way to get to school.
Julianna: I’m so glad the wart hog didn’t see his shadow last week.
Me: You mean ‘groundhog.’
Julianna: Whatever. That means we won’t have a long winter, will we?
Me: Uh, no.
Julianna: I can’t wait for spring!
The high today in Southern California was 76. In mid-February. Yeah, it’s been brutal.
Overheard tonight…
Julianna: Mommy, my tummy hurts.
Mommy: Would you like some medicine? It’s called a Placebo.
Julianna: Yes, please.
(A spoonful of water later…)
Julianna: The medicine is sticking in my throat. Can I have some water?
Mommy: Of course.
Julianna: Ah… Much better.
————
A follow up: Today it was Isabella’s turn — a spoonful of water for a tummy ache.
But, ever suspicious, she demanded to see the bottle. Mommy improvised, and showed her the back of a super glue vial. The three-year-old was satisfied, and felt better immediately. (Legal disclaimer: please don’t give your child super glue.)