Five-year-old Isabella: Daddy, there are two types of prizes people win on TV shows: One is a trophy, the other is a wart.
Me: I think you mean “award.”
Iz: Oh right. There’s a “D.”
Compound W
Reply
Monthly Archives: April 2012
Inching Closer to “The Talk”
This time, it was seven-year-old Julianna instead of her younger sister. On the drive to the grocery store:
J: Daddy, before I was born, I grew in Mommy’s belly, right?
Me: Yes, Sweety.
J: But, before I began to grow, I was already in there, right?
Me: Um…. Yes, in a sense.
J: Well, what made me begin to grow? Was it food? Did Mommy eat something?…
Me: Well, not exactly. You see…
J: Well, but… How do babies begin to grow in their mommy’s belly.
Me: That’s a great and complicated question. But… Ooo, look. We are at the supermarket. Who wants to get in the Race Car Shopping Cart?!
J: Me!!!!!!
I’m not trying to avoid the discussion. It’s just not a discussion I want to have in the parking lot of a Ralphs.
(By the way, I didn’t need to pick up any chicken at the market… There was already a huge one driving the car. Bwaaak!)
Down Goes Frazier! Down Goes Frazier!
There’s something oddly cathartic about the Wii Boxing game when playing against your five-year-old daughter. But, while it may feel good to actually, finally get some physical aggression out at her (virtual) expense, in the end, the game ends as everything always does in real life.
She wins.
(Legal disclaimer: Please, don’t hit your actual kids.)
Big and Strong vs. Small and Cute
How to get your kids to eat healthfully:
Isabella (The five-year-old): Daddy, Looook… I’m eating carrots because Mommy said they’re healthy!
Me: Nooo! If you eat healthy food then you will grow up Big and Strong!
Iz: I know. I want to be Big and Strong.
Me: But I need you Small and Cute, not Big and Strong. Noooooo!!
(hours later)
Iz: Daddy, look, I’m eating SPINACH!!
Me: Nooooooooo! Small and Cute, not Big and Strong!
Iz: Daddy (flexing her arms), I’m Big and Strong.
Me: Nooooo!
Looks like my plan “backfired.”
Brains
(Five-year-old) Isabella: Daddy, I like in cartoons when they put something in their ear, and pull it out the other ear.
Me: Yes, that’s funny. But you know to not to put things in your ears in real life, right?
Iz: Yes, Daddy. Because people have brains.
Me: Right.
Iz: And it is too lumpy for anything to get through to the other side.
Wakey Wakey
Some have commented that my last couple of posts have been in dubious taste (“patently offensive” and “disturbed individual” are phrases I have heard.)
So, I thought it was time for a palate cleanser:
It’s my first day off in what seems like forever.
At 6:47 Isabella climbed into bed, putting her knee in my stomach.
Then Julianna climbed into bed, cramming her knee in other sensitive areas.
Then the girls began fighting because one committed some grievous injustice against the other.
Then my iPhone alarm began ringing on the other side of the room.
Then the neighbor’s gardener decided to Weed Whack the yard 3 feet from my window.
Then the gardener’s partner began trimming the orange tree with a chain saw.
Then the garbage and recycling trucks rumbled through the neighborhood.
Then the fire trucks roared down the street toward the pile-up on the nearby freeway.
Then the ambulance followed suit.
Then the TV helicopter hovered overhead to get that perfect shot for the morning news.
Screw you, Universe. Today is MY day, and I am not getting up before 7 o’clock. I’ve got 2 more minutes, and I will NOT be denied.
Strong Enough for a Man…
As I get older, the more I’m developing a strange attraction to women’s armpits. Show of hands, Ladies: Who thinks that’s creepy? Raise your hands up high, and keep them up. I’m not done counting.
Muppet Mania
As we were watching “The Muppets” movie last night, I confessed to Lynn:
“Please don’t get jealous, but I’ve had a crush on Amy Adams since we first saw her in ‘Enchanted’ a couple years ago.”
Lynn replied, “That’s Ok, as long as you’re not jealous that I’ve had a thing for Fozzy Bear since about 1978.”
Welcome! (My First Post)
Wow. My very first ever Blog post. I can barely contain myself. But, I can.
Welcome to Daddy/Daughter Fun Time.
For the past couple of years, I have had tons of Facebook friends encourage me (i.e. nag me) to write a book or a movie or a comic strip or whatever about the crazy doings of my brood. In order to find some peace and quiet, I have decided to start this blog. What could go wrong?
So far, I’ve gathered the last hundred or so of my best Facebook postings over the years. I’ll be adding new material as time allows. Please let me know what you think, and give me tips for improving the blog. As should be obvious, I’m a newbie to this whole blog thing.
But, I think it has potential.
Bad Boys
(Five-year-old) Isabella: Daddy, girls like boys who are older than them.
Me: Well, sometimes.
Iz: And bigger.
Me: Yes, usually. Boys are usually bigger than girls.
Iz: And tough and rough.
Me: Where are you going with this?
Iz: And sometimes they break the rules.
Me: Well, Good boys don’t break the rules. Daddy didn’t break the rules.
Iz: But… (smile) Bad boys do.
Oh, Crap! She’s FIVE! Already, my influence is waning. Women friends: How can I fight this?
Or is it too late?